Memorys

I am sorry I havent called anyone lately. I just have a hard time speaking lately, if you can imagine that. I am better with my anger lately I guess. I have lately just told people what I thought instead of being nice and kind. I dont know I feel like I was always so kind and considerate growing up. I have never done anything wrong, not to say I am a perfect angel. I supported my parents growing up and endured my childhood. I have always gone to church faithfully and except for a few months I feel like I was faithful in my believes. I have always been kind to people most of the time.I felt like Steve was my reward in life. He was my sense of normalcy. I felt like I could face anytthing and do anything with him by my side and that I finally had a life worth living. Just looking over the past years I think about how we grew together and the things I loved about him:
1.Learning to fully trust someone with out them hurting me or telling me I am not good enough
2.It doesnt matter what people think as long as we are happy
3.Not to be ashamed of my body
4.There really is a white boy dance
5.Being a housewife is actually very rewarding
6.Think before I get angry
7.Just doing things for each other with out conditions just because you love them
8.Needles and doctors arent so bad
9.Saving is important he would say, for a rainy day
10.Family can actually care without having there own agenda
11.Having children and a husband that you care more about then yourself
12.Macoroni by it self is actually considered a meal
13.His cooking when I am sick can actually make me sicker then what I already am
14.He would change stinky diapers more then me
15.He could never give me a present without me finding out before I got it
16.Men are babys when they are sick
17.He was always just himself never what someone else wanted him to be.
18.How he would hold my hair back when I was throwing up (pregant) and never complainted when he had to clean it up afterwards
I could go on and on but I dont think I have enough tissue. All I know is that he was the only person that I loved with all my heart. He knew the real me to the bad breath in the morning,being fat and pregnant, and to what I really thought about things.Someone told me that maybe one day I would find someone special again. How FUCKING dare them say that to me. NO ONE will ever amount to Steve in there lifetime in my eyes.I guess I lied I am still angry I am just tired of always doing the right thing and stuff like this happens to me. Why bother if it wasnt for the kids. I still find myself though when I am by myself speeding more then usual, and just walking off when people come up to me that I just dont want to talk to. I feel like I have been safe and kind all my life and look where it got me.....A single mother raising my kids alone.Sorry just felt like ranting. Its been so hard lately Amy and Bubba have been talking about Daddy alot. Yesterday Amy picked out Steve's favorite candy and wanted to take it to him. If you tell Bubba Daddy is in heaven he will argue with you and tell you he is in his orange truck...Well got to run Amy just woke up and we are going to gymnastics this morning and I got to get them dressed etc. I am thinking about taking some college courses to give me something to do. I am still debating but if they have a opening in this private school for the kids I think I am going to do it ...Well got to go make breakfast